It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?