Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I beg your pardon?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst