I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Not all heroes wear capes…
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.