Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane