*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
You Might Also Like
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
58.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope