best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
This story is comedy gold 😂
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
this FaceApp is creepy af
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.