I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
A man of commitment.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer