Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash