my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m already scared
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.