Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My safe word is Worcestershire
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.