I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
😲 WTF? 😆
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler