As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me too
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”