I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You Might Also Like
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family