Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My birthstone is kidney
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.