Isn’t
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
no
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*