it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*