Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You Might Also Like
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.