Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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What
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
my dog when i have a friend over
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
They’re not wrong
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.