No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Come back with a warrant
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh