Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You Might Also Like
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
oh good, now I can stop drinking