“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
This was the best day of my life
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I need better friends
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine