WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.