6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
AM I BEING GASLIT????
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.