Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Whisper out to librarians!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive