Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
how to have an accident 101
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly