Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.