When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.