Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse