I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
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Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
my favorite genre of twitter
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.