imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
😂 amazing answer
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it