Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
If snakes were wide
WHY?!
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.