They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I feel attacked.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.