[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.