cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was