ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go