I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor