Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
You Might Also Like
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!