“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.