That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.