the #horror is real!
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I didn’t realize that was an option
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant