“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You Might Also Like
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Okey dokey.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Bless you
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”