up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*