When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
23. the denim jacket
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.