The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart