If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.