under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Skills
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone