perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
You Might Also Like
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.