“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.