Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Yes my dude