My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Milk Cube
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
cause of death:
autopsy.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
The real reason evolution started..😂
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.